How to Make Friends as an Adult
Three surprising, creative ways to make friends in adulthood.
Key points
Making friends as an adult can be a challenge.
Thankfully, there are creative ways to make new friends.
Getting creative and intentional about making new friends can lead to better health.
Ah, the good ole days! When we were in school, making friends was much easier. You got plenty of time to interact and socialize in the lunchroom and on the playground. There seemed to be an endless supply of new kids to talk to and become friends with; every semester and every year, some kids would leave, and new kids would fill their spots. Neighborhood kids about your same age would also become your friends; convenient ways to socialize and make friends abounded when we were younger.
Yet today we are largely lonely[1] and friendless[2], and that affects our well-being.[3] We are hyper-connected, yet still so lonely.[4] According to the American Perspectives Survey,[5] the percentage of U.S. adults who have no close friends, as in zero close friends, has quadrupled to 12 percent since 1990, and those reporting 10 or more close friends? That has fallen by nearly three times. So what is going on here? And how do we make friends in adulthood?
It turns out that we need to get creative. Here are three ways to get more creative to make friends as adults.
1. Be Less Judgmental
As adults, we can sometimes be too judgmental. As kids, we played with whomever. We didn’t care what they looked like, where they came from, or even what they wore or what house they lived in. If we had fun together, that was it. We were friends.
Now, as adults, we can be far too judgmental. Politics gets in the way, or the way someone looks, where someone lives, and what brand of car they drive, can often derail us from making friends with an otherwise perfect fit. All this because we came in with too many preconceived notions of what the friendship should ideally look like. Instead, get creative. Leave your preconceived notions behind. Get creative about what attributes you choose and what you choose to ignore. It may be one of the best things you can do for your health.
Speaking of health, the Harvard Study of Adult Development,[6] one of the longest-running studies on earth, has found overall that positive social relationships are the primary driver of lifelong health and well-being. So when we become less judgmental and more accepting that our friends may not look like us and be exactly like us, or our preconceived versions, the better our chances of connecting and making friends as adults.
2. Get Creative on Where You Meet People
Getting creative with ways to meet people in our increasingly busy lives can be a challenge. As some of you already know, I am not a fan of making friends at work or becoming friends with the people you work with. This is a firm red “Do not cross” line for me because of the myriad complications it can bring to your professional development or career trajectory.
Instead, try to make friends where repeat meetings happen. Places like your Church or Synagogue are fantastic places to make friends, along with your kid’s baseball games or the local dog park, let’s say, every Tuesday morning, where repeat contact tends to happen.
And that is what it is all about: repeat contact. It’s places or events where the same group of people, more or less, attend on a regular basis, that is outside of work. These are fantastic places to make lifelong friends as an adult. And getting creative on where that may be can lead to unexpected, wonderful friendships.
3. Initiate More Often
Everyone knows that making new friends comes with an awkward middle stage. It’s that stage where you are kind of test-driving the friendship and not yet fully comfortable. It takes some time to become friends, and most adults end that pursuit here in the awkward stage by not initiating the next contact. We tell ourselves that we are too busy. We tell ourselves that we don't have the time.
Yet, when we initiate more and make the first small move, we see better results in our adult pursuit of friends. The initiation should be a small, low-pressure invite of some sort. Get creative on how to make that small move—this is where a genuine approach shines. Let’s grab coffee sometime is less genuine, but I’m checking out the farmers market next weekend; feel free to join feels more genuine. It should be creative, and it should match who you are. A subtle approach here and there is a great way to keep momentum going so that you don’t get stuck in that awkward middle phase.
Now you may be thinking that putting in all that effort is a lot! I mean, why isn’t the other party reaching out? Why aren’t they initiating? The fact of the matter is that, as adults, we may need to be the ones initiating perhaps more at first than when we were younger. And that’s OK. Again, this is part of the awkward middle phase and should work itself out as time goes on to a more balanced and nuanced connection.
Making friends as an adult takes some creativity. It is no longer the case that a steady stream of new faces is presented to us in school to make friends with. We need to try a little harder as adults. And it can take some time—like, upward of 200 hours of investment,[7] on average, to make new close friends. But it’s a worthwhile investment and can lead us to better health[8] and relationships that make all the difference in the world.
References
[1]https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/67001…
[2] https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connecti…
[3] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11918532/
[4] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165032725023511
[5] https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-fri…
[6] https://www.adultdevelopmentstudy.org/
[7] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407518761225
[8] https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
